A blurry, poorly lit image flickers through a stream of static, revealing a gaunt figure whose image won’t quite come into focus. He holds a cigarette between his lips as he fiddles with the settings, typing and clicking for a few moments. He sighs and sits back, still blurry and not quite focused, backlit and shadowed, taking a deep drag on his cigarette before beginning.
Well, that’s the best it’s like to get. Welcome to Dr. Acula’s Video Blog.
The words. “Dr. Acula’s Video Blog” appear on screen in a bit of post-production, then “Dr.” and “Acula’s” push together and a fang logo fades in behind “DrAcula’s” on screen.
Happy Christmas Eve, viewers. What’s new? puff Nothing very exciting. puff
Petra and I… a snapshot of Petra appears on screen in the lower left corner …finished researching Quetzalcoatl or whatever-it-calls-itself. puff Turns out it’s this seriously bad shadow serpent or whatever. puff A bunch of the lore points to giving powers to witches that always seem to get the short end of the deal. That kind of thing. puff Pretty bad mojo. puff
So, I figure it’s gonna double-cross and screw us, right? Better figure out the weaknesses and such. A bunch of stories about warriors getting swallowed by the thing and cutting their way out from the inside didn’t sound like a very promising path. I mean, I guess we could toss this Rattagan guy at it and tell him to pull a Tommy Lee Jones… He pauses, as if for a response. “Men in Black”? Why do I bother? Anyway, we could try that and hope for the best.
We tracked the guy down, by the way. I guess last night Bodoma…or… Vodoma… Whatever that Gypsy calls herself. The one I told you about that just parked outside Victoria’s place. Weirdo. puff …Both of them. puff Anyway, she summoned up some spirit of Order at the library and convinced it to track him down, as he’s in league with Chaos and whatnot. puff Enemy of my enemy kind of stuff. puff Anyway, we got an address at some Motel.
Or… puff The other big threat seems to be a Thunderbird… Sadly, not the sweet car I wanted when I was a kid. Some stupid Indian myth creature. I mean, I’m a literal kind of guy, I was thinking maybe getting Rattagan possessed and then running over him with a Thunderbird would do the trick… puff Nicholas… As before, an image appears in the corner, showing Nicholas …not so much. puff He’s all hot about tracking down this Thunderbird whatever. puff
Anyway, we look into it and find this Lakota…. puff …or whatever story. puff Supposedly, one of these things was buried under a mountain out here after fighting a bunch of shadow barn owls and the whole lot of them crashing to earth. puff Sounds pretty gay. But, sure enough, Nicholas is all riled up and ready to send people off to check it out. Of course, he’s not gonna go himself… puff Lazy A loud bleep covers the expletive. So, puff Petra and whatever-that-weird-Gypsy-chick’s-name-is… Petra and a “???” image appear. …go off in an RV to check it out. That was a couple hours ago. They’ll probably call back soon and tell us it was a waste of gas. puff
What else is new? puff Oh. So, I went and checked in on that girl that looks like Lisa last night. puff Turns out she’s got a guy sleeping in bed next to her, right? He stubs out that cigarette and lights a new one., then takes a long, slow draw. So, I check the mailbox. Two last names. puff What’s up with that, huh? puff Something Greek, like “Stavros” and “Jibar,” as in “Kareem Abdul.” puff I’m freaking out. puff I gotta know more about this guy and their living situation. puff So, I… There is a moment of silence where the audio cuts out, then an obvious voice over. …Don’t do anything illegal…. Another second of so of silence, then the original audio cuts back in. …and I lick their mailbox the next night. That was like an hour ago. puff So, get this… puff She’s _BLEEP_ing pregnant! A few silent seconds of furious puffing go by… I’ve got to come up with some way of getting this… Bleep. …out of the way… puff
puff Speaking of old flames… He chuckles quietly… So, Nicholas… the requisite image appears …was telling me about this girl in the theatre he’s taken a shining to. puff I guess last night it got all weird for him, because she looks like his daughter… puff Who, I assume was smoking hot. puff He offered her some free voice and dance lessons… Sounded like he was coming on like a real creep… puff Which, he is… puff And, she more or less offered him a bit of the good old… He makes a series of lewd gestures and noises. And, it freaked him out. Sounds like a classic closet reverse Electra complex, in my expert opinion. self-satisfied puff I figure he should just hit it and get it out of his system, but whatever. puff Repressed sexual tension explains a lot about that guy. puff
I think that’s all… He puts the cigarette between his lips and clicks at the keys a moment before the image cuts out.
A few moments of static later, the image cuts back in. Well… Bleep.! Remember those shadowy barn owls? puff Okay… let me go back. So, those two get to the mountain and check it out. There’s this big door with Indian scribbles all around it warning about danger or whatever. They open it anyway, rather than bothering to call me. So, they crack it open with some blood on the runes or whatever. And release a bunch of crap that’s been imprisoned there. Wouldn’t you know it? puff
Plus side… puff That Wyrm is about to get an Beep. full of Thunderbird. Down side… puff Looks like those owls might be Strix… So, I reiterate… Long bleep. Then, he sits back, takes another slow drag and the image cuts out, returning to “DrAcula’s Video Blog” logo on a black screen.